Crazy, I Know

he was scrawny
with a rubbery,
smart-alecky face
stuck at 15

he always wore a hat,
bit his nails and smoked
the minute we left class

he drank liberally
smoked too much weed
and didn't bathe

a stereotypical
tortured sort
with a twist of
too much light
to make him dark

as he read/rapped,
he looked my way
with eyes that
broke me bright

I felt he thought
I might be the
only one listening

he rhymed rich,
quirky and quick;
if you didn't stay with him
you'd miss the brilliance,
the nugget of the message
of the words
he was laying down

the night I read,
the poem that frightened me most,
his unexpected praise
made me feel kin
to the best kind of crazy

once he sent his poems to me;
the image of his lover so real
I felt awkward, as if I'd
stumbled in on them,
his funny face transformed
to one of worship

sometimes I try to find him;
search for a blog, a post or
a scrap of one of those
string of words that
knocked me out

I fear he may have vanished,
that all of his goodness
is gone from the world;
his mother the only one
besides me, who knows

crazy, I know

Evolving

as imagined or intended
I am a figment of your older story

all that bound, I tear at with 
teeth persistent, true like knives

for a lifetime, strands glistened;
so seductive, the supposed
fragile threads, the truth far stickier

remnants on soul sleeves
stranded in our lineage of code
mutable, after all

believe that

The Other You

this morning. 
I thought I saw you. 

from a distance, she 
walked towards me; 
pigeon-toed tough, 
just like you

her face turned, wrists 
circled in bracelets, 
a cigarette dangling; 
she exhaled with a snarl
more bark than bite

I imagined short, abused nails, 
a home-executed tattoo, 
eyes like Bette, always 

I was mistaken 

her shadow grew long
against the morning, 
but yours grew tall 
across my mind 

the evening 
we said goodbye 
you reassured me

everything. was. fine. 

I couldn't stop crying; 
thankful. fearful. helpless. 

from any distance, 
I cannot not worry 

that everything you create
disintegrates beneath 
the weight of a mind 
too brutal for your loveliness

raw. sweet. innocent. 
the least unworthy of 
what it's done to you 

I've always wished 
I could save you; 
remembered this 
very morning, 
that I can't

I can only hold your shadow; 
love you from a distance

I will. I do. 

A Talk with Henrietta

She tells me that I look like you
I've never really seen it,
but it's nice to think about

perhaps the small space between
two front teeth, dark eyes,
skin that browns like a round
smooth nut in sun

the way I love to dance,
the way you used to

in my mind, I see you;
your black dance pumps
fly across worn wooden floors,
five cents a dance

for years you watched me from the hallway
like someone I'd met but could not place;
a stranger out of context

who was it, dear, that gifted you
with the virus that cost you your life?

the real secret was not the child, it was the man

hundreds could not give you enough to love that away;

you paid the price at the end of a dark hallway,
your love for her presented at your weakest

when I was twelve I thought I saw you smile
from the Sacred Heart hung above
a pink chenille bedspread, your room
a light too bright for me to sleep in

although you waited;
I know she never saw you

with appetites as large as yours,
the uneasy comfort of a sad escape,
liquid rolling at the back of my throat,
my secret pilot light skewed, ignited

I know now why you stayed;
I wish now that she'd see you 

Unplug

A poetry prompt from the group: 

The Way Out Is

what was
is wearing
through

hairline fractures
the invisible exits
for what can not
be held back

you've spent a
lifetime patching

gathering plugs
for the largest hurts

made from the
circumstance
of others,
a monotonous
drama of
the daily

the pain of
avoidance
will break you

as holes multiply,
you will falter

relief lies
in the seeping
exit of your
self-made filling

How to Remember Me

we've collided too long;
predictable as Velcro

you hook, i loop

overandoverandover 
with tales of you 

first lie to self,
my listening was
significant

the first truth,
I am but 1 more 1
in your catalog
of possibles

you survived
better the lesson
to walk away

i survived
having failed it;
the odd one, out

an easily alienable
reminder held better
at a distance

receptors ever-ready;
surrendering, reticent
at slurred loveyous,
a desperate embrace

Su Abuela (His Grandmother)

with her back to us, surely
she cursed me from the stove
just another dirty puta her grandson
dragged home in the middle of the night,
expecting a meal and her silence come morning;
a pale stranger at her table

she patted the scapular in
the gully of her fragile chest,
begged the smiling virgin mother
to save him from his own evil;
muchacho perezoso

scrambled vegetables into
the last of her eggs, warmed
tortillas and a dutiful brew

anger severe as the straight part
of her dark hair, her soft kid-glove hands
shaking as she placed the meal before us,
eyes downcast, refusing to speak english
even when he asked her to

sunday morning, both of us
sweating drink and soiled skins,
his long white car parked cock-eyed
on the sidewalk, just touching
her miniature chain link fence
lined with Therese's roses

how foolish of me to think she slept
as we broke into her home
with our 3 am absurdity

ancestor's sepia-lidded eyes
watched us with disgrace
from wavy plastered walls;
in her silent room
she prayed the rosary,
asking for deliverance from us

how naive of me
to believe she'd think well
of my grateful words for such
a delicious meal, her effort;
how warranted her disgust

Lo siento Señora

HR